A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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