After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
