Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
