I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.