I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.