cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
