My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
