i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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