The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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