her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
