Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
