Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
