a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
