No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
