really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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