Whod you bang
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
