I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
