my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
