I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
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