Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
