I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
