I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
