Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
