Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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