i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
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The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
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Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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