MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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