R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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