so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
