I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
