i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
