i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
