I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
