I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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