I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
