Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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