he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
