where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
