Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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