I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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