You just made me feel so damn special
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Screwed.edu
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I have so many feelings about this burrito
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
