i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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