your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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