I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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