"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
