There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
