That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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