I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
