I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
