Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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