Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
