SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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