I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
